;_;

oh my dear fucking god life is so short. ;__;

And it makes me sad. I can't cry, though. Which is a bit ironic...I cry so goddamned easily at everything else, but when someone I know dies, I can't even cry? God damn, I just talked to her like...a few days before that.

I feel like maybe somehow something I did caused something which caused about 50 kazillion other things that caused this to happen. I mean, I know it's not my fault, but what if I'd gone about life differently? Would that've taken me on a different route of life where things like that happened differently?

And she was so sweet, too. She was just so...huggable. And so nice. Even though I didn't get along particularly well with Heidi. ;_; And it doesn't feel real.

It feels like she's still here. Like, there's no way she could've died. It just doesn't feel real.

But I've never experienced loss of anyone close to me...I don't know what to do. My mind's at a standstill, and everything's just all swirly around me...it feels bizarre, it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel possible, it. does. not. feel. possible.